


Jellicle's Yard of Impractical Cats

by ZombieCatTookMyPudding



Category: Cats - Andrew Lloyd Webber
Genre: Cults, Drama, Family, Gen, Humor, Incest, Multi, Supernatural Elements, Suspense
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-09
Updated: 2019-06-01
Packaged: 2019-11-14 14:07:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZombieCatTookMyPudding/pseuds/ZombieCatTookMyPudding
Summary: The Jellicle Tribe isn't just a tribe: it's a family. A family filled with love, and held together by loyalty. But are they really all they seem? After all, there's more to them than what one could see for a night at the ball...(re-written.)





	1. What IS a Jellicle Cat?

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! I know I've been promising this re-write of _Jellicle's Yard of Impractical Cats_ for quite a while, now.
> 
> What I've turned this into is a collection of stories, most of which are multi-chaptered, into one story. Some of them backstories, some of them answering questions that came up while looking through the lyrics of each song and analyzing them, and a couple others that were just fun ideas I came up with when looking at the aspects of the musical.
> 
> Thanks for your patience, everyone! Let's get started! :D

One sunny morning, an old, slow, but majestic grey-brown tom made his way to a scrapyard, its shining metal piles stacked high into the sky. Stopping at just the border, he took a moment to catch his breath. Immortal or not, he was still old, and his organs didn't work nearly as well as they did in his youth.

"How could you lose her?!" an angry queen's voice caught his attention. "You were supposed to be watching her!"

"I thought she was with you!" a tom's protesting response prompted the older one to shake his his head.

"Sillabub! Where are you?"

"Where did you run to?"

Working against his aching joints to get up, Deuteronomy went in the direction of the voices, leading him to a brilliant scarlet queen, and her mate, a leopard-spotted Maine Coon mix. "Is there a problem, you two?"

"AH! Old Deuteronomy!" Out of habit, the Maine Coon bowed in submission, the queen soon following.

"No need, my son, but I've heard a lot of ruckus, and it appears to be coming from you."

"Oh, it's...it's nothing," the Maine Coon chuckled nervously. "We were just...playing hide-and-seek!"

"Yes, and, oh, that Sillabub. She's such a good hider...part of it is she, uh, wouldn't let us peek."

"...Well, I do love a game of hide-and-seek...perhaps I could play, too?"

"Uh, of course, Dad! Everything's better with you!"

Deuteronomy smiled to himself. Surely they didn't think that he was born yesterday, did they? Kittens wander off sometimes; it happens. But she was small and the Yard was big: how far could she really go?

* * *

Reaching her tiny paws into the air, Sillabub stretched her tiny body as tall as she could make it, simply to try and reach a dangling, matted string of yarn that happened to be hanging from a broken lamp.

"Sillabub," her grandfather called, catching the kitten's attention. "Your parents are looking for you. Let's show them that there isn't any trouble you've gotten into."

"And I was looking for you, Old Deuteronomy," she replied. "I have a question to ask, surely you're up to the task."

"Of course, child. Ask away, What is the question you have for me today?"

Bounding up by his feet, she looked him into the eyes and asked, "what _is_ a Jellicle cat, really? Our songs tell us that Jellicles are many things, but never what makes a Jellicle cat a Jellicle cat. I think that's rather silly."

Old Deuteronomy smiled. "A Jellicle cat is someone who has been a member of our tribe at any point, even if they have no blood relation to anyone. Hopefully this answer doesn't disappoint?"

"Mostly not, but there's also something I've been thinking about a lot: what happens to the Jellicle cats who turn away? When they leave, are they still Jellicles at the end of the day?"

"They are in my eyes. Always and forever, even after each one of them dies."

Slowly standing up, Old Deuteronomy motioned his head for her to follow him, and a moment later was she returned to her (very relieved) parents.


	2. Everlasting Cat's Chosen Ones

Silently padding up to the Yard, two tired older cats walked side-by-side, patiently making their way home in that warm summer evening. They had spent the last five hours going from yard to yard in almost dangerously hot weather, with no water or even a single break. In that time they had visited eighty homes, and most of those places didn't have other cats to spread the good word to, though the ones that did had no interest in hearing what they had to say. In two of the yards, they had even been chased out by dogs!

A silver tabby tom on patrol sat down as they walked through the entrance. "Welcome home!" he greeted them. "How did it go?"

"The usual, sadly: really really quite badly," the cream-and-brown tabby queen replied.

"I'm sorry to hear that, what a shame. Don't take it too hard, you're not to blame."

"Would Old Deuteronomy happen to be here by any chance? I can't speak for Asparagus," she gestured to the black and brown tabby behind her, "but I'd like to speak to him about some circumstances."

The silver tabby nodded to a young black and white tom sitting nearby, who leaped over a pile of scrap.

"He'll be with you shortly," the tabby smiled. "Thanks for remaining so courtly."

* * *

A few moments later, they were informed that Old Deuteronomy was relaxing on the Tyre in the middle of the Yard.

"Hello, Deuteronomy," the cream tabby chimed, doing her best to keep her voice from losing its cheer to hide her pain from the others. "Sorry if we're being any bother-"

"Oh! No bother at all, Jellylorum!" he beamed, sitting up. "I'm always happy to speak with my children, both the old and the small. What can I do for you two?"

"Could we speak...privately? This is a matter I would like to discuss quietly."

Asparagus, not much for words (especially rhyming ones), nodded in agreement.

Deuteronomy's jolly expression had become serious with concern. "Certainly," he answered. "Why don't we go and talk about this in your den? Everyone needs a secret conversation now and then."

* * *

"I can't help but find myself frustrated...wondering if Everlasting Cat even hear the prayers of the Jellicle Tribe," Jellylorum sighed, lying down on a pillow. Don't get me wrong, I haven't lost hope, but sometimes...I just wish there was a better way to cope."

"Asparagus?" Deuteronomy asked. "Do you feel the same? Don't be shy, there's no need to feel ashamed."

Giving a small nod, Asparagus looked down at his paws.

"I see...well, thank you both for telling me; to see that you trust your father enough to report that you're losing faith and need support fills me with glee, for I fear there are others who are not quite so honest with me. Tell me, what makes you feel this way? Perhaps I can help stop you from going astray."

"When we try to tell others the good news of our prophecy, they seem to get quite crotchety. We walk for miles, and our paws blister and scrape (not to mention we're getting older and somewhat out-of-shape.) The pressure of it all just feels too great to bear! We're doing our best but our failure has put us in despair."

"Ah, my daughter, I'm afraid there's only so much one can do: speak and spread as you may, at the end of the day, only they can decide whether or not they want to listen to what's true. I may remind you on the outside we're the same as any other cat, but if one were to look very carefully past that, the fact that those who are members of this tribe-this family-are the chosen ones of Everlasting Cat, truly the best; above all the rest. If they don't want to join, then that's too bad for them: in the end it'll be they who are condemned. Continue to pray and believe: don't let the sorrows of this world have you deceived! Even when you feel you want to quit...I'm sure one day you'll see that all your efforts are worth it."

Often due to the beratement of his mate whenever he made his controversial thoughts known, Asparagus tended to keep his opinions to himself. This time, it was that Deuteronomy's words weren't very helpful at all; in fact, Asparagus didn't even know what he was talking about! Although...perhaps it was possible that Old Deuteronomy didn't know what he was talking about either, and figured if he talked long enough, he would pretend to know what he was doing.

Either that, or that Deuteronomy just loved to hear himself talk. (Far too much for Asparagus' liking, personally.)


	3. Shadows of the Mind

Limping off behind a dumpster, the old grey queen laid down and dropped the dead mouse onto her paws. The catch wasn't hers to begin with: she had stolen it from Coricopat and Tantomile, the psychic Jellicle twins. Sure, she could have hunted by herself, but with her stiff joints and frequent fatigue, it was just easier to have taken it from someone who practically did the hunting for her.

"Grizabella!" she heard a queen yell. Of course, the twins figuring it out to be expected, it's not easy to evade a psychic, especially when your running speed has decreased with age.

She calmly looked up as the Siamese mixes ran towards her, and prepared to form a magical shield, just in case they tried to attack her.

"You might be as lean as a lynx, but we've caught that mouse fair and square," Tantomile growled. "Catch your own, you mean minx!"

"Hm,"

"What?" Tantomile asked.

"That was a clever rhyme. Perhaps we should ask Old Deuteronomy to incorporate into one of our songs sometime."

Grizabella rolled her eyes. "Darlings, you do know lynxes aren't actually lean, right? They're stocky; which means they possess a broad, sturdy build. And, Coricopat? Do you remember that pretty ginger tabby you've started conversing with the other day?"

"Is it Noilly Prat that you refer? What about her?"

"She happens to be one of my ladies. That doesn't necessarily make her unpleasant, does it?"

Tantomile's eyes went wide. "You mean to tell me you were conversing with a _harlot_?!" she asked, glaring at Coricopat.

"It was just a chat! It was nothing like that!"

"Now, where did you two get these ideas?" Grizabella asked, guiding the conversation away from a tense argument.

"From Old Deuteronomy," Tantomile answered. "He does know best, after all; his words are the law!"

Grizabella raised an eyebrow. "I personally wouldn't take every word he so seriously. When he's not speaking out of his own ignorance, he'll blatantly lie to keep you in the dark."

"NO! TIS _YOU_ THAT LIES!" they cried simultaneously.

Grizabella shrugged casually; "very well, don't believe me," she took a bite of the mouse. "I just thought that perhaps you could take advice from someone who has experienced his darker side first-paw."

"If Old Deuteronomy had even an ounce of evil in his old heart, we would have seen it from the start."

"Then perhaps you're not looking closely enough," Grizabella challenged.

Closing their eyes and connecting to Old Deuteronomy's mind, Coricopat and Tantomile couldn't find any darkness or malintent: only feelings of peace, tranquility, and light that would have belonged inside the mind of someone as wise and spiritual as Deuteronomy. They did, however, find something of a wall, like he was closing off a part of himself from everyone else. But maybe that was for the better: even as abstract as they were, even they found it fair they contained only the knowledge that they were given.

Opening their eyes again, they had found quite a bit of time had passed: perhaps an hour or two...and however long enough it took for Grizabella to abscond their mouse while they were kept busy.


	4. Super Jellicle Physical Feats!

After spending all day collecting items to create their obstacle course, Carbucketty, Pouncival, and Etcetera were ready to go head-to-head to see who was the most athletic of the three.

"Let's go over the rules one more time," Carbucketty started. "Whichever one of us can turn a double somersault off of the trapeze, bounce off of the Tyre, balance and walk on the bars and wire bridge, run up the Yard wall, swing through the trees at the woods outside, and make it to the park first is the acrobat of prime!"

"Don't feel so bad if you lose to me," Pouncival said as he stretched casually. "I'm the oldest, so, naturally, while you're still at the starting line, I'll be in the trees."

"You wish!" Etcetera scoffed competitively. "I'm little, but I have less weight to carry...I can do it all in a swish!"

"I guess we'll never really find out unless we try it, so now that we've done all this work, we better commit," Carbucketty concluded.

Taking their places at the checkered strip of fabric they used as a starting line, they crouched, ready to leap to the oversized trapeze waiting for them.

"Let's say it together, so we don't trick one another and it's fair and square," Pouncival suggested.

"Ready...set...GO!"

"GO! GO! GO!" Etcetera had put extra enthusiasm to the end of their shared line.

And they were off! Jellicle cats had a natural sense of harmony, so it was hardly any surprise that they had grabbed onto the trapeze simultaneously...though poor Carbucketty was always a bit accident-prone, and just missed the timing Pouncival and Etcetera had when letting go. It was a good thing cats always land on their feet, or Carbucketty, whose hind feet were so close to the edge of the tyre, would have taken a nasty slip off. Though the second his rival racers bounced off of the Tyre before he did, Carbucketty immediately felt a spark of competition and followed right behind them.

"Hey!" Etcetera cried as she noticed Pouncival using his front two paws to grab onto the bar the lack of hind paws on the ground giving him less to use, and making him go faster. "You're cheating! That's not _beating_ us!"

"This section is about balancing and walking across the bars; no one said anything about having to use all fours..." as he got a lead over her, Pouncival continued "...I think I've got the lead in the score!"

Carbucketty, who had caught up rather quickly, gave Etcetera best intimidating glare to him before they both picked up their pace.

With a single bound up the chain-link fence, Etcetera had made it to the same height that Pouncival did, and out-climbed him with all her might, Carbucketty following just behind them both.

Each of them had a turn taking the lead and coming in last, but with the trees signaling the final section of their race, the three leaped together, neck and neck, their hearts racing as they were all so close to the finish...which had ended in the three of them crashing into each other, a pile at the edge of the woods.

"I won!" Carbucketty declared. "I am the number one acrobat!"

"Surely you kid!" Etcetera protested, trying to untangle her front legs from his. " _I_ did!"

"You're both mad; _I'm_ the master acrobat lad!"

"Enough! All of you!" Working to unravel the mess they had become, they found Munkustrap standing right behind them.

Pouncival cocked his head a bit in confusion. "May I ask, how you got here so fast?"

Ignoring his question, Munkustrap continued: "you're all very talented: this information should be nothing new. Return to the Yard and clean up the mess you've made: leave it standing too long, and it may become a safety hazard, I'm afraid."

* * *

"Hello! Good show!" Gus called to the three younger cats when they returned. In his paw was a plump robin he had caught for lunch. He watched them in amusement as the three begrudgingly cleaned up their mess under Munkustrap's supervision.

"Bustopher Jones!" Etcetera called to the fat tuxedo tom cat as he entered the Yard. All of the other youngsters took some satisfaction in being briefly nodded to in acknowledgment.

"Good Everlasting, that was a tiring walk. I'll need to eat soon, or I just may faint from walking all those blocks."

Munkustrap padded over to the fat tuxedo tom resting a paw on his forehead. "Just how faint do you feel?" he asked.

"As if I just might keel..." he answered, giving a hinting look to Gus.

"Don't even _think_ about it!" Gus hissed. "Get your own, Bustopher Jones!"

Munkustrap looked at Bustopher, and then back at Gus. "I'm sorry to ask this, Gus, but if Bustopher really is so sick, perhaps it would be best just to give him the robin without much fuss."

Gus glared at his pathetically out-of-shape littermate, short on breath. Looking down at the robin between his paws, and then back at Bustopher before batting the carcass in his general direction.

"Thank you, Gus," Munkustrap called as Gus began to head out of the Yard, shaking his head.

Assuming he was just coming from a restaurant, as he often did, how could Bustopher have _possibly_ been hungry right now? From the day he was born, all Bustopher Jones ever _did_ was eat! Didn't matter whether the food belonged to him or not, if it was there, he'd eat it. In fact, Gus was fairly convinced his perpetual thinness was because he rarely, if ever, got the proper nutrition he needed as a kitten. The only reason his brother lived so long without getting a heart attack from being so damn fat was because of the immortality granted to each Jellicle. One would think after all this time, some sort of justice would be served, but it disappointed him that it never did.

But it wasn't all bad: he had _one_ extra source of food available, just in case hunting didn't work out. It was just a shame he had to keep it a secret from most other members of the tribe...had they knew just what that source was, or rather, whom it came from, they wouldn't like it.

* * *

Performing the secret knock against the giant metal door of the abandoned warehouse, a pair of bright green eyes peered through what was possibly a mail slot at him, and closed a second later.

Patiently waiting for all of the locks to open, Gus was waved inside by a silver tuxedo cat tom, who knew exactly why the regular visitor had come. "You know where the food stash is, Gus. Help yourself."

"I will, thank you," he replied, coming into the warehouse, lit only by the occasional flicker of fluorescent lights, and the moonlight peering through the broken windows. "But first, I'd like to say 'hello' to my favourite nephew. You wouldn't happen to know where he is, would you?"

"In his office, but he's kind of busy. Not sure how he'd take to visitors right now."

"Hm, I see. Thanks anyway."

"Sure."

Aside from the occasional minion walking up and down the aisle, Gus noted the warehouse wasn't terribly active at the moment. Perhaps there was no crime planning in place, but that was not necessarily a bad thing; it meant that Macavity was staying out of trouble...for now.

Just as Gus was about to grab something off of the pile, he noticed the office door slightly ajar. Strange. Normally if Macavity were as busy as James claimed, he'd have the door shut, and talking to himself, voicing his plan aloud to see if it made sense to him before he presented it, but not a sound came from the room.

Concerned, Gus pawed the door open to find the chaotically-coloured ginger tabby tom sitting in front of his chalkboard, with what appeared to be the layout of a bank drawn on it. Aside from slow breathing, he was barely moving. Coming closer, he saw that his bloodshot red eyes were wide open, staring at the board, chalk lightly grasped between his white teeth.

"...Macavity?"

No response.

Cautiously, he waved a black paw in front of his face, which didn't garner even the slightest reaction.

Gus chuckled and shook his head. "Looks like the poor boy fell asleep with his eyes open again," he stated to no one in particular. Rumor around the Yard, and perhaps even outside of their bounds was that Macavity was always wide awake, but anyone who knew him well enough knew that that wasn't true. Being a Jellicle naturally helped him reach beyond average feline physical feats, such as being able to train himself to stay awake longer than most can, but everyone had their limits, even him. Besides, he didn't have the heart to break it to everyone else, who seemed to feel a sense of wonder alongside their terror of him.

Moving his paw over Macavity's eyes, he closed them, and positioned him to lay on the floor. Grabbing one of the spare blankets, Gus draped it over his dusty body, and decided to leave him be. Taking another robin like the one he had earlier, he decided it was time to leave, now that he had what he came for.


End file.
